I clearly stress after the incident. I’m confused about bitching to whom ?. Ms Arimami, school counselors, obviously would not believe me. My father was the honored vice principal and Mathematics teacher there.
I did a lot of reading on the school library. I realized that I was having severe psychological disorders. I felt this last clash was incredible. I did not know yet, to be where I’m going to ask for help. At least that my father being a little more normal as fathers and parents. But he was, my father would never be normal anyway. I thought he was a psychopath.
I felt desperate. I needed help. Even though I was twelve years old at the time, but my thinking horizon had already quite extensive. I’ve read the whole children reading book reading on the school library, and began to read books of general knowledge and education that was provided for teachers and other school employees.
I felt that my psychic health already began to fail. I feel unstable. I need a psychiatrist. At least that was what could be imagined to solve my problem at the time. I considered this after read books on the school library as well.
“I asked for money Mom,” I said to my mother.
“For what, Mit ?,” Asked my mother. It was the question that was taken for granted.
I think I should go to the hospital.”
“I should have met a psychiatrist,” I explain to my mother.
Mom understood the turmoil that I’ve had, she gave me a little money to go to Saiful Anwar Hospital. A large government hospital in Malang. My resolve was unanimous. I want to consult a psychiatrist. I do not know a better way than this. I’ve been a little reading about the psychopathy in the school library. It was a horrible psychiatric disorders. I’ve been feeling a victim myself. I did not want to father’s illness was contagious to me indeed.
photograph by Astungkara Wiguna